Crippling Confusion and Final Conclusions: a heartbroken but hopeful reflection

When did it change?

When did “I love you” shift to “I’ll be fine without you”?

When did I allow myself to become so vulnerable?

 

Tug of war, never on the same side. Pulling as if we can convince the other of something.

Yet somehow pushing too, not letting the other in, despite our perceived efforts.

Building a wall so tall I have no choice but to stay on my own side. My prison.

My personal hell without you.

 

Could it all have been a lie?

The way you looked at me, like I was your world, like I could do anything

Like we could accomplish anything as long as we stuck together.

You made me believe it too.

 

It couldn’t have been a lie. I trust you too much for that.

You came at the perfect time and you were perfect.

But perhaps that’s part of the problem.

We always focused on my issues, but what of yours?

 

No amount of talking will make this clear to me.

How, on this cruel earth, is love not enough?

I wanted you and needed you.

I changed for the better and for the worst with you.

 

You memorized the lines of my face like it resembled a masterpiece.

You changed my world, made it a place I loved, changed my life.

How can I forget Little Big Planet and three-hour grocery trips you pretended to hate

Running through sprinklers and that first time you walked me home?

 

I loved the simple things, and maybe I realized too late.

I loved holding your hand, sneaking cupcakes at the store.

I loved looking into your chocolate eyes and knowing they were only for me.

I loved knowing my spot was next to you.

 

But I have to remind myself, for my own sanity

That I also felt small, weak, unworthy

A rose once beautiful but now crushed and crumbling.

The beauty unrecognizable.

 

As that rose crumbled, it revealed something to me: a clearer picture

Nights crying, hoping my roommates wouldn’t hear

Heartbreak, a distance that crept in from nowhere but threatened to drown me

Of panic, of manipulation, of efforts unnoticed.

 

Actions were taken, assumptions made.

I am now mad. Devastated. I am sad. Disappointed.

Uncertain what my life will be like without us.

Without my home.

 

I want to word this right, but there aren’t the right words for this.

I am also relieved.

And because of this, maybe you were right

Maybe I can do anything.

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